Imagine you’re having a conversation at a party. It sounds normal enough, but something doesn’t feel right, although you can’t quite put your finger on it. You recognize that your friend is telling you something without telling you something — “I normally don’t like the way you dress, but that dress looks great on you!” she says. Ouch. It suddenly hits you: She’s being passive aggressive.
Passive-aggressive behavior is a way of expressing anger in a seemingly non-hostile way — a deliberate and masked way of expressing covert feelings. It’s a behavior that encompasses more than just eye rolls and faux compliments; it involves a range of actions designed to get back at another person without him or her recognizing the underlying anger.
What Makes People Passive Aggressive?
Passive-aggressive behavior can be expressed in many different ways: sarcasm, silent treatment, running late, cancelling plans last minute, to name a few. In each case though it has the same roots: there is an underlying fear and avoidance of direct conflict, along with a feeling of powerlessness and helplessness.
There can be a number of reasons to cause such behavior. One is from a fear of anger. Most of us learn in childhood that it is bad to express anger inappropriately. Good boys and good girls do not behave that way. This way a passive aggressive person has learned that expressing anger in any way is bad and that he or she is bad for feeling anger.
Another reason is based on upbringing. Children who are raised by overly strict and controlling parents, in an environment where self-expression is not permitted, are forced to learn other ways of expressing anger, fear and hostility. Since they are dependent upon their parents, they risk being punished if they don’t do as their parents say. Therefore, they lash out at their parents covertly and take that behavior into adulthood.
There are many other biological and environmental factors that can contribute to the development of passive aggressive behavior. A few of these include:
- ADHD
- Stress
- Anxiety disorders
- Depression
- Bipolar disorder
- Schizophrenia
- Alcohol/substance abuse
- Drug withdrawal
How to Address Passive Aggressive Behavior
Whether you find yourself in a relationship with someone who displays their anger in a passive-aggressive manner, or you recognize such behavior patterns within yourself, consider eliminating this communication style in order to relate to others in a healthier, more effective way.
Learn to recognize the behavior, check your perceptions, confront it, and create a safe space to communicate in more assertive ways.
1. Notice such behavior
The best way to nip passive aggressive behavior in the bud is to become aware of when you’re reacting in a passive aggressive way. Even if you don’t know exactly what the trigger is (or underlying trauma), take note. You can look into it at a later point. Awareness of a pattern is 90% of the transformation for the better.
2. Understand why your behavior should be changed
It’s important to realize that passive-aggression is not less aggressive simply because it’s passive. Basically, passive aggression is an indirect form of aggression — not necessarily a milder form of aggression. It can in fact create more damage to people around you as it may go unnoticed on their end.
3. Give yourself time
Recognizing your own behaviors and understanding them is a good first step toward change, but altering your patterns and reactions can take some time.
4. Realize it’s OK to be angry
You can still be a positive person and feel emotions we typically label as “negative”. And you can be a loving friend, partner, family member while feeling anger in response to something the other person has done.
5. Be assertive, not aggressive
State facts clearly and be clear about your opinions. Let the person know the impact of her behavior in clear statements.
6. Be open to confrontation
While directing expressing your needs can lead to potential confrontation, that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Keep in mind that confrontation can be direct and respectful — even if positivity isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you think of it.
7. Believe in Yourself
Avoiding the slide into passive aggressiveness requires closing the gap between anger and silence — either by dissipating anger or breaking the silence. The more you believe that you have the right to express your wants and needs, the less likely you are to fear being swayed by others’ opinions or rejected for voicing what you want. And the less you fear those things, the more direct you’re likely to be.
It’s a long, often difficult journey, but as a first step, practice listening to what you want and giving it to yourself. If you begin to treat your desires as important and valid and experience how good that feels, you’ll start to believe that you deserve similar treatment from other people.
More Tips for People on the Receiving End
Encourage Open Communication
Create an environment where open and honest communication is valued. Encourage the person to express their feelings directly, and reassure them that their opinions are valid and will be heard.
Set Clear Boundaries
Establish clear expectations and consequences for passive-aggressive behavior. Let the person know that such behavior is not acceptable and that there are more constructive ways to address issues.
Address the Underlying Issues
Try to understand the root cause of the problematic behavior. If possible, have a conversation with the person to explore what might be driving their passive-aggressiveness, and work together to find solutions.
Seek Professional Help
If passive-aggressive behavior becomes a persistent problem and affects relationships or work, it may be helpful to seek the assistance of a therapist, a coach or a counselor who can provide strategies for improving communication and managing conflict.
Model Healthy Behavior
Lead by example by practicing direct and respectful communication. Show that it’s possible to address conflicts and disagreements openly without damaging relationships.
Sarcasm in Men
Sarcasm is one of the ways to express yourself in a passive-aggressive way. It is true that it is popular among men, and for a variety of reasons. That includes its alignment with traditional masculine norms, its role in social bonding, its usefulness in conflict avoidance, and its reinforcement by media and culture. While sarcasm can be a valuable communication tool, it’s important to recognize when it’s being used constructively and when it might be masking deeper issues or contributing to misunderstandings.
Here are Some Reasons for Sarcasm Being So Widespread Among Men
- Cultural norms and masculinity
- Bonding and group dynamics
- Avoidance of direct confrontation
- Cognitive and psychological factors
- Media and pop culture influence
Conclusion
Passive-aggressive behavior is characterized by indirect resistance to the demands or expectations of others, often through procrastination, stubbornness, or intentional inefficiency. It can manifest in various ways, such as giving the silent treatment, making sarcastic comments, or avoiding direct communication. Understanding the causes and learning how to deal with passive-aggressive behavior is important for maintaining healthy relationships, whether at work, home, or in social settings.
Whether you’re dealing with passive-aggressive behavior in yourself or from others, a wide range of resources are available to provide support. Seeking help from professionals, engaging in self-education, and using available tools can lead to more constructive communication and healthier relationships.
Watch the latest episode of “Mindfully Awake” for more insights and advice on this topic: https://www.youtube.com/live/QlCu1uXzfrc?si=7BmNxF7n2OmklJf7
