Happy New Year, everyone! It’s been a while since my last post, and I wanted to start the new year with a series of affirmative articles on important pillars of our inner balance and Universal laws that go hand in hand with these. “As within so without”.
Love yourself first is a phrase we hear all too often. We’re told it’s the answer to many of life’s problems – from self-confidence to inviting others to love us. Why is it so hard? Why is accepting that you’re good enough to be loved more difficult than loving another? Science might not have all the answers, but they offer techniques and tips to assist you on your journey.
“Above all, be true to yourself, and if you cannot put your heart in it, take yourself out of it.”
Learning to love yourself takes time, practice, and patience. It’s an ongoing battle that you’ll face frequently. Sometimes you invent the nagging doubt, but more often comments and actions from those around us can trigger a self-loathing spiral that feels like there’s no way out. The worst part? You might feel you don’t deserve your own love.
“Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” ~Louise Hay
WHAT IS SELF-LOVE?
“Your task is not to seek for Love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”–Rumi, thirteenth-century Sufi poet.
Self-love is a physical and mental process. You put your needs first, which can be hard if you believe you don’t deserve it. I don’t just mean basic human needs, such as showering and eating right.
It’s more than that. PsychCentral gives a wonderful mental example with gift-giving to show the different thought process we can have with and without self-love.
With self-love: if I give you a gift, I give it because it’s what I want to do and I do it without expectation. If you don’t like it I might feel sad or disappointed, but I can accept that’s your choice. Either way, I still know that what I did was a kind thing and I still have a good sense of self-love and self-acceptance.
Without self-love: if I give you a gift, I give it because it’s what I want to do, but I do it wanting you to like it and, by association, like me (with expectation). If you like it and praise me, I might feel warm and good about myself. If you don’t like it I might feel very sad and disappointed, leading to thoughts that I have failed and let you down. My sense of self has decreased because I didn’t fulfill my goal of you liking my gift and giving me love and acceptance back.
WHAT DOESN’T COUNT AS SELF LOVE
- Doing anything so others will like you or notice you more;
- Anything that harms you;
- Saying yes all the time, even when you don’t want to or can’t;
- Saying no to your basic needs.
WHY YOU SHOULD LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF
Self-love matters because lack of it develops self-hatred that can lead you into a deep depression. It spirals downward from there, affecting every area of your life from work to friends to family.
Everyone has bad days where their own thoughts or actions of others swoop in and leave them mind-numbingly frozen.
But when those sporadic days turn into a daily occurrence, you’re walking down a darker, dangerous road. Only you can search within to find the power to lift yourself up before it’s too late. Deep depression is one possible side effect when you refuse to love yourself, but self-harm and suicide can be results too. If this pattern resonates with you it’s likely you’ll need a help of a trained professional to get you out of a rut first and foremost and build your own inner spine to stand on.
Yes, the problem is partly in your viewpoint of yourself—inside and out. You do have the power within to love yourself, and only you can unlock that tight hold self-hatred has on you.
LEARN HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF: A LIFELONG JOURNEY
“It is not the mountain we conquer but ourselves.”–Edmund Hillary (the first man to climb Mt. Everest).
In my opinion, learning to love yourself and re-love yourself is a road you’re unlikely to leave. This is especially true for those like me who have undergone extensive abuse and neglect in their life.
But know that it’s never too late to learn to love yourself.
HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF: FIVE POWERFUL TECHNIQUES BY EXPERTS
1. PRACTICE SELF-CARE
Self-care is truly an article unto itself because it spans many areas of your life that you might overlook for numerous reasons. The root remains the same—you believe you’re undeserving.
This can lead you to deny human basics like showering, exercising, and eating nourishing foods. Self-care can delve deeper and be the difference between seeking help and doing nothing. It can mean learning to laugh again.
Other times, you might be in a predicament that forces you to put needs of others above your own. At least it seems that way on the surface, but it’s not always the case. If needed, take a step back from a situation and analyze it before giving a response.
SELF LOVE IDEAS AND TIPS
- Get enough sleep
- Eat a well-rounded nourishing diet that fits your ideals and lifestyle
- Excercise and move your body to release endorphins and reduce stress
- Meditate
- Bathe and practice good hygiene
- Say no if a person’s request compromises your self-love
- Do something small just for your every day, such as reading or another hobby you love
“The most powerful relationship you will ever have is the relationship with yourself.”–Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free.
2. WRITE YOURSELF A LETTER
Kristin Neff, the author of “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself”, believes practicing self-compassion is a key element to loving yourself.
Write a letter as if you were looking at someone else. This isn’t a letter from your inner self to inner-self to vilify with self-loathing. Pretend you aren’t viewing yourself, but looking at someone else through another’s eyes.
What would you say to that person if they were in front of you? Write that down, seal it up, and put it in a safe place. Open and read it as a reminder of self-worth and why you should show yourself love and compassion.
ACCORDING TO NEFF, SELF-COMPASSION LEADS TO INCREASED:
- Inner strength;
- Level-headedness;
- Stress management;
- Emotional stability.
3. HAVE A HEART-TO-HEART WITH YOURSELF
Self-talks are a scientifically backed tool to reaffirm your worth in your own life.
This can be a preventative measure or a coping mechanism you can use anywhere, including work, a social event, or in school. To some, it might seem silly.
You’re going to talk to yourself. And, you’re going to reaffirm every positive aspect within and outside of you. You’re going to place a sock in your inner critic’s mouth and shut it down.
Self-talk methods do take time to develop, and they work best under the care and guidance of a trained professional. Your councelor, coach or therapist helps you point out your negative thoughts and words, then they teach you how to turn them into positive reaffirmations.
One tip researchers found helpful is to refer to yourself in the third person or by your name. You can also give your inner critic a negative or bad name (it could even be a demon or a fictional negative character). The language you use and how you use it during self-talks matters.
4. KEEP A NEGATIVE THOUGHT JOURNAL
It doesn’t matter if they’re your own views or triggered by someone else’s opinion. Negative thoughts that don’t offer constructive criticism have no place in your life. Diffuse your own self-criticism and the opinions of others quickly with this trick.
Write down every negative thought, word, and feeling. Use the recording feature on your phone or computer. Read or listen to your hate-filled words.
Ask yourself if you would say that to another person. No? Why then would you say it to yourself?
Take it a step further. If you dared to say though words to a friend, how would they feel or react? Most likely they’d have a negative reaction and rightfully so.
Here’s the takeaway from this exercise. If you wouldn’t say to your closest friend, don’t say or think it about yourself. Reaffirm the positives even in a negative situation.
EXAMPLES OF POSITIVELY TWISTING YOUR INNER NEGATIVE THOUGHTS AND WORDS
Negative you would say, “I’ll never be good enough for him.”
Positive you would say, “The only person I need to be good enough for is myself, and I am good enough.”
Negative you would say, “It’s too much work. I’ll never finish by the deadline, and nobody cares enough to offer help.”
Positive you would say, “I got this. Just one step at a time. I’ll ask around to see if my co-workers can lend a hand.”
5. PRACTICE LOVING-KINDNESS MEDIATION
“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love & affection.”—Buddha
There are multiple resources available online. There are many guided meditations on the subject. But even listening to 432 Hz music will help you unwind and focus on your self-worth, inner healing and self-love.
Meditation, in general, can help reaffirm positivity because it teaches us to live in the now. You can further your practice by incorporating breathing techniques and yoga (movement) into your routine for a total mind-body connection that squashes the toughest Negative Nancy.
FINAL THOUGHT OF HOW TO LOVE YOURSELF
No matter what season of life you’ve reached, it’s never too late to practice self-love and learn to love yourself.
Don’t be afraid to reach out for help. Talk to a doctor, a close friend, or join a safe space forum for support. You’re worth it, so don’t allow your negative self the power to stop you.
Your journey begins fresh for each new day. Tamper down your inner cynic, stare it down in the mirror, and remove its power. Practice the techniques shared here by experts to keep it in check.
